Sunday, October 14, 2007 ▪ 10/14/2007 02:16:00 AM
Ch 97: So called friendship
!&(*^(%&%#$#Please forgive my language for this post. This will be my only source for venting my anger or finding excuses to forgive that group of people.I hate them! I feel like a fool. My heart is always that soft. Today is James's birthday. Since I was not invited by any ways, I didnt plan to go. Yesterday, I was informed that Ah lian was going to send Amanda off. Hence, to avoid uneasy situation, I didnt go and send Amanda off. I rather rot the whole day at home. while chatting on MSN, my friend asked me out for dinner at 7. As I was preparing to go out, I received a call from XY. She was asking me to go for the birthday. The person who actually spoke to me was Pei Pei, XY's good pal. They were like half forcing and demanding me to go. Pei Pei or on XY's behalf only give me 15 mins to prepare. Since I am not close with Pei Pei, I dont dare to refuse her. I only have to call my friend to accompany me to the birthday then head off for dinner. Due to the traffic jam, We reached there at around 8. XY went to park the car with Ah lian. My friend and I went ahead to the chalet. I saw HER. Without a greeting or what, she left the chalet. I approached James to pass him his present. Feeling uncomfortable, I went for a walk with my friend while waiting for XY to park her car. By the time we went back to the chalet, I saw Lian, Ling and XY already chatting and eating. My friend and I sat down somewhere to watch television. Through the whole 45 mins, I didnt interact with THEM except for The birthday boy. I stared blankly on the television screen for 45 mins. I feel so out of place. I am thankful for James's hospitality. I was really disappointed in them as even James's friends bother to chat with me. I am anitsocial as I believe I dont need to socialise with people who dont care about me. I know that I am behaving in a very childish manner. But I just feel like a fool. Maybe to other people's eyes, I am the one at fault. They have every reason to be angry with me. Why? I didnt bother to inform them about my return. I didnt even message them ever since I am back. To them, I am the petty one. But you know what ? I had enough. I hate the feeling of contributing to their so called friendship. Just 1 call. I rush down to attend the birthday. What did I get in return? Silence. Ignore. To them, I should greet them first. Pretend that I am happy to meet them. I should not be a fool. I should not go there in the first place. I feel like a glass bottle. Invisible!Who say I dont even care about them? Once I heard that SHE is interested in organising event, I tried to ask Wenfeng about it. Yes. I dont know how to show my care for them. Who will show the care if whenever I see them, I get cold shoulders? DAMN it! No matter how many good words were put by others, what I really feel is just DAMN. I was grateful for my friend's company for tonight. If without her presence, I will be like a complete fool. I have to admit this fact. I am no longer part of the group. I am a stranger. Nothing will not change my mind again. I will not go for any gatherings for the sake of anyone. My poly days were blank, with memories I wish to forget.Damn with everlasting friendship! Damn with what they care for me. Damn with they just dont know how to show their care. If asking about my current situation through Amanda is their so called love for me, if how I behave is being petty, if they wish to talk behind my back. I only wish to tell them---- GO AHEAD! I am a slut or bitch or whatever YOU all wish to scold about me. I dont give a DAMN! STOP telling me that they love me, just that they dont know how to express themselves. I really dont wish to end up with only tears, anger and hopelessness. I really dont have feelings for you all. My heart is dead. Even if you all still care about me, still love me. The love you guys give me is too much for me to handle. I rather not to have any. Forget about me. I will not exist in your world as well.
